I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
