I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
