I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
