Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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