At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
