Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
