Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
