careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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