Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
