dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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