Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
