i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
