There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize