Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
