How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
