They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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