ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
