I wish my penis had an off switch
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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