Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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