he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
