I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
