if you like me you must not know who I am
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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