I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
