I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
