just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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