MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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