A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
