I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
