He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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