when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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