i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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