I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
