Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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