Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
