i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize