Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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