Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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