can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
