He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
