If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
