i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
