I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
