barbara walters just said penis...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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