I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
