ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
