she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
