i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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