Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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