When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
