We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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