How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
