my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
