3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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