Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
