Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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