I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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