Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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