I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
