Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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