Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
