mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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